do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize