remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
