if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
