There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
