***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
