Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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