Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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