and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize