Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize