He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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