You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
