Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
