I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
