is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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