After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
