I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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