The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
