Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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