He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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