her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
