and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
