I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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