also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am spending my child support on dildos
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
