Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
