she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
