I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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