I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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