and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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