i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
