theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Couch. On fire.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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