If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
