a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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