Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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