you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
