its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
