take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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