Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
