Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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