I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize