So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
