i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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