I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I will pee on everything he values.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
