No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
