I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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