I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
