I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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