mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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