i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
When are your genitals available?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
