Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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