I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
