I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
