ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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