I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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