I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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