im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
