i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize