remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
