dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
