Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
